


be scared because i will leave you (and i will forget you and you will regret my fucking name)

by traumatic



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Beaches, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Broken Promises, Denial, Depressing, Drabble, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Medication, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Oblivious, Pain, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, sorta?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:20:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traumatic/pseuds/traumatic
Summary: Even's so blindly in love that he doesn't see it coming, doesn't see what is so obvious in hindsight. Perhaps he misses it because he doesn't want to see it or because he hasn't taken his meds in 8 months. Either way, Even is blindsided when Isak throws his ring into the Atlantic and curses the day they met.Or where the sea overtakes the sand and leaves Even lying with the seashells on the ocean floor, heartsick and dead inside and alone. He is so fucking alone.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	be scared because i will leave you (and i will forget you and you will regret my fucking name)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sort of in this really shitty place rn so here this is with a title from a Mccafferty song...which, well, fitting. (Shitmyfriendsusedtosay by Mccafferty, for those who care)
> 
> on no planet is the relationship even and isak have in this healthy or good or wholesome. it's emotionally abusive and not to be idolized at all but i just needed to like vent write for a while and this is what came out.

There’s something about Isak that is mysterious. It's an intriguing kind of mystery, though, so it draws Even in until he doesn't want to get out. Until he's too infatuated to ever leave again. 

Isak is beautiful and intelligent and the best fuck Even's ever had. He's quiet and loud and fun and dumb and he's blond and sexy and luxurious, snarky and sassy and kind and funny. He’s everything Even's ever wanted in a partner, in a boyfriend, in a significant other, and more. 

Isak smokes Marlboros and it's fucking sexy. He could fall in mud and still be drop dead gorgeous. He is everything and anything without trying at all and Even is foolishly, arrogantly, moronically in love with him. 

They share an apartment, have since the day they met from a newspaper ad of all things, and somehow Isak still keeps up a facade. A wall. He keeps something inside of him separate from Even, from the surface, and the whiplash of his two personalities is sickeningly, achingly enticingly sweet. It’s also painful and dangerous, but that’s what makes Isak so desirable. So incredible. 

They've only known each other for eighteen months, but Even would take a bullet for him. He would probably marry him. 

It's foolish of him to be so careless with his emotions, with his attachments, but he can't help it. It's too late to pull back before he gets hurt because he already is hurt. He aches every day Isak keeps his heart from Even, hides who he is and how he feels for the sake of their friends. He just hopes that what is usually an inevitability is nonexistent this time around. 

Even's supposed to be taking his meds—he'd promised him mom before he moved out that he would—but being with Isak feels so four-dimensional without them that he can't bring himself to reduce his experience to 2-D by taking them. The meds keep Even on the ground, at sea-level, while Isak is Icarus, flying through the sky on wings that will never melt, and he refuses to be left behind. 

Isak doesn't even know about his condition, about his secret, so he spills the bottles down the drain and flushes. He scratches off the stickers with his fingernails and throws them away. He pretends like he isn't probably spiralling down a dark path because loving Isak soberly is a gift from the Gods. It is sensational and physical and mental and emotional and exceptional. Even doesn't even have words for the feeling of his skin on Isak's, for the feeling of his tongue and his lips and his hands.  _ Oh.  _

Isak only wants to be with him in the privacy of their home, of the apartment they rent together, and that’s okay with Even. For now, Isak can keep him a secret, can hide their love behind doors and shuttered windows, because Even knows how deeply he cares about him. He can feel Isak’s love in the pressure of his hands, in the tender brush of their lips, in the breaths he can’t keep in as Even holds him against his chest. 

Even spends all day thinking about him, about the love of his life, and spends all night wrapped around him, wrapped up by him. He is nothing without Isak at his side, without the twists of his body and the warmth of his skin. Even would be nothing and inexistant were it not for Isak's love, for his attention, for his affection. 

Isak still has a secret. He has something buried deep within his heart that he won't tell Even of and it terrifies him. It exhilarates him. It petrifies him. Whenever he thinks about it, he shakes like he's had too much caffeine and gets high off the adrenaline rush. 

Even doesn't really have friends anymore besides Isak. Not since he said those things on Facebook about gay people. He's not sure what happened that upset him so much that day— perhaps it was the way he could remember how Jonas looked pressed up against Isak's skin as they danced and laughed in the low lights of the club, how he wished so desperately it was him, how he planned to end whatever was between them and take it for himself— but he went off, all over everyone's Facebook walls, in statuses, in DMs. Isak’s still friends with the kids from school, which breaks Even’s heart, but he swears nothing happened between him and Jonas. That they’re just friends, that they were drunk and dancing. 

No one talks to Even anymore from school, though, except Isak and that's okay. 

Even only needs Isak anyway. He only wishes Isak felt the same way. 

Isak works long hours and sometimes doesn't come home. Even worries and calls and texts and eventually Isak will answer. Will tell him he's sleeping at the office because the roads are too wet or snowy or because he's too tired to drive. Because he's got to be awake and at the office in two hours anyway, so what’s the point?

Those nights Even spends in his cold, empty bed are the worst he’s ever had. He cries himself to sleep because he is nothing without Isak's eyes on him, without his thoughts on him, with his hands on his body and his mouth on his skin. 

Isak comes home the next night after work and apologizes. Even forgives him immediately and begs him never to do it again, but he always does. And Even always forgives. 

Even thinks he'll ask Isak to marry him one day soon. That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? A true commitment. A public event. Jonas would see then, that Isak is Even’s and that’s how it will always be. 

Even and Isak are so so so so so in love and the wedding bands and the certificate will prove it.

And now Even can't stop thinking about it, about the minister and their parents, about God blessing their nuptials, about heaven and hell and seven days in the honeymoon suite. He obsesses and dwells over the idea until it’s bubbling up like a can of soda shaken and then popped. 

It's about the time he stops seeing his doctors as helpers and instead as demons, trying to hold him back from the only person he loves, from the only person who loves him, that he makes a Pinterest board. He picks out everything, the venue, the invitations, the suits, the decor. He stays awake all night finishing it so he can show it to Isak after he proposes, when they’re both glowing in happiness, in joy, at spending their lives together. 

Even pictures it: Isak standing at the altar, Isak holding his hands, both of them in pure, clean, soft white clothes. He can't stop thinking about what he'll say or what he’ll do or the way he'll brush the hair back around his ear and the kiss they’ll share in front of everyone. He imagines Jonas’ face, the jealousy in his eyes, the satisfaction Even’ll get. 

He obsesses over the images until he gets a ring. Now that he's not taking his pills, not having the pay for the insurance or the co-pay, he has extra money. He buys it cash from a pawn shop downtown and uses a velvet ring box he finds in his mother’s room to store it. 

While he plans the day, the proposal, he takes the ring out and wears it sometimes, takes photos of it on his ring finger and then edits the ring onto Isak’s using Photoshop. It looks perfect, silver and thin and simple. Beautiful. 

He takes Isak to the beach on his one day off— Wednesdays, always the best days— and cries in anticipation. There's sand everywhere and he's getting cold because it's February and 30° in Maine, but it's so perfect. This whole thing is just like he imagined. Just like he pictured. 

He holds Isak's hand, he cradles it, he stares up at him, he cries. 

He says, “I love you” and Isak says it back silently with his eyes, with the puzzled look on his face. He kneels. Pulls out the velvet box. Sobs. 

“Marry me?” He asks and Isak cries, too. 

He cries and cries and cries and Even just watches this beautiful man cry beautiful tears as seconds knot themselves into minutes and minutes wind into an hour.

“I love you and I want to be together forever. I want to marry you. Won't you marry me? I promise I’ll be a good husband.” 

Isak falls into the sand and covers his face with sandy hands. There's something wrong; Even can feel it in the tremors in Isak’s hands, in the whine in his weeping, in the shake of his rib cage. He doesn't stop for a long time. Doesn't even say anything. Just hides himself from the only person who truly loves him in this godless and forsaken world and cries. Falls onto his side and rolls into a ball. 

“Isak?” 

Nothing. Silence. Emptiness. Heart break. What's going on? What's wrong? What has happened to Even’s perfect proposal? To his perfect fiance? His fantasy has fallen apart. 

“I can't marry you,” Isak says suddenly, firmly, tears and sand on his face. “I can’t!” 

Even pretends he doesn't hear. Can feel his heart cracking behind his ribs regardless. 

“We're gonna get married on the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco. They'll stop traffic for us once they see how pure our love is, how true we are to one another. They'll paint the skies with our names and—” 

“Even—” 

“The Queen will come down and bless our nuptials herself and she will knight us as we kneel. God will send his prettiest angel to christen our marriage, to give us gifts and praises and congratulations. I'll cry so hard you’ll have to hold me up and we’ll kiss as the angel showers us with golden light—” 

Even can't stop, won't stop, but neither will Isak. His hands reach for Even, perhaps to embrace him or even kiss him, but Even’s trying to explain something and he’ll have to wait. 

“I can’t marry you!” 

“I’ll cry so hard that you won't be able to understand my vows and you’ll have to read the paper for me. You'll laugh and everything will be perfect! The minister will smile upon us and ask if we're ready to continue and we’ll kiss in front of all of our friends and family—” 

They're screaming now. Opposing people at opposing things. Two opposites, attracted. To hearts, as one. 

Isak doesn't know what he's saying; he can’t. They're just words with no meaning behind them meant to push Even away, because he’s afraid. At least Even knows what he's saying. There's so much meaning, so much love, so much pain and understanding and heart and fear and heartbreak and tears. Isak has to listen! He has to. Even will keep talking until he does. Until he realizes the truth. 

“Your sister will catch the bouquet and we'll eat delicious food and drink expensive champagne and we'll have the best sex ever had in our hotel room that night. We'll be drunk on each other and on happiness!” 

“Stop! No! Even,  _ please.”  _

“We'll live forever in each others eyes and have kids who will look upon our love with admiration and joy and  _ pride—”  _

“Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up  _ shut up!”  _

“We'll grow old together and live long enough to see our great great grandkids graduate college as a gift from God!” 

Isak puts his hands on Even now and Even grins. He knew Isak would come to his senses eventually! He quiets down because of the intense look on his face. He holds his gaze until he looks down at the sand, away from the eyes of the only person who can love him like this, who can take care of him like this. Why would Isak run when he has everything he could ever want? They are perfect together! Fuck anyone who says otherwise! 

“I d _ o _ n't l _ ove _ yo _ u _ ,” he says and his voice cracks around the syllables. “I never have.” 

“What?” 

Even's world, his carefully built milk chocolate castle, is melting down around him and drowning him in its fall. He is choking on hot syrup and suffocating under its weight as his only solace, his safety, his surfboard, slips from beneath his hands. 

“I won't marry you because I don't love you. I was just...I’m sorry but I was lonely...and you were there.” He's crying again. Even is staring at him blankly because he doesn't understand. He can't understand why anyone would do this to another human being. How could he lead him on like this? Allow him to fall in love with him like this? Allow him to give himself up like this?

“I'm nothing without you,” Even whispers and his words fall from his lips to the sand and slip in between the grains and fall through the earth and straight into Hell. “Nothing. I am an empty shell.” 

“What? No. No. Even, that's not true.” 

“It is. Our love is the only thing that made me Something.” 

“You're plenty of things! Stop talking like that!” 

“I can’t believe you're doing this to me!” Even finally blurts out.

“Even,  _ please—”  _

“You've been lying to me this entire time! Manipulating me so you can, what? Feel loved?” 

“What? No.  _ No. _ You've built this whole thing up in your mind and there was nothing I could do to stop it! I tried and tried and tried and you just kept...kept saying and doing things like I hadn’t at all. Where could I go if you went crazy? This was my home first. You fabricated this...this relationship and I couldn’t stop you!” 

“Built up  _ what _ in my head? The fact that you fucked me and loved me until I wanted a true, honest commitment and then bailed? This is so like you to do this on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life!” 

“What are you talking about? Are you saying you think I...I lead you on or something? Because that's fucking crazy! I did no such thing! I told you that sex was just sex and there were no strings! I warned you I wouldn’t come out, wouldn’t date. You knew what I wanted!” 

“You promised we’d be together forever!” 

“I never said that!” 

“You said we were perfect together.” 

“As roommates!” Isak is so upset and Even’s chest is a box full of broken glass. “I didn't know you were the definition of batshit insane or I would’ve never signed a lease with you! Would’ve never had sex with you if I knew you were fucking nuts!” 

Even stands up, walks toward the cold sea, and tosses the ring into the waves and screams so loud he can’t hear anything else but his anguish. The ring doesn’t even float for a second before it's gone beneath foam and seaweed, vanished like all of Even’s hopes and dreams. 

He sinks to his knees again, knees cold on the wet sand, and crumbles in upon himself. He shrinks down to the size of an infant, a baby, reverts back to his childhood to protect himself. He sobs and shakes and cries and quakes and he's so loud it might be embarrassing if he were anywhere else, feeling anything else, but Isak doesn't come closer to comfort him. He doesn't reach out for him and that hurts so much. It hurts because they were so in love just an hour ago, so infatuated with one another they got lost in each other's smiles, in their eyes, in their hands. Even would've died for Isak, would've laid his life in Isak’s cold, heartless hands, all to be betrayed by the only person who matters. By the only one who was supposed to care and love Even regardless of what he is. 

Even curls around his knees as a wave laps over his ankles and a crab slinks by two feet from his face. There's sand in his hair, on his cheek, but the water feels warm when it overcomes him despite the snow that’s begun to fall. Even can hear the sand and snow underneath Isak’s boots as he runs away, leaves him behind like garbage that washed up on the beach, like a broken bottle that’s not even worth the effort to put in the trash can. 

Even becomes nothing, just like he had predicted, as he curls up underneath a blanket of cold, relentless waves. Just like he was destined to. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i just needed an outlet bc today has been really shitty and i don't have anyone to talk to that would care to listen to anything i had to say so i put this up. 
> 
> stay safe kids.


End file.
